- Do not drink champagne. It is evil.
- Do not not drink champagne at Jardiniere's relaunch party, where Thad Vogler made seven kinds of punch, all of them with champagne. The punches may taste magnificent and restore your faith in the entire punch category, but you should not try them. They will tempt you to continue drinking them because they are so light and refreshing. It is a slippery slope.
- Do not do this starting at 6PM for the next three to four hours. You may note that Tracy Chapman, who is also at the party, looks not a day older than she did in 1988. Do not tell her.
- Do eat something if you are going to be drinking champagne, which you should not do. Why do you have to be such a vegetarian snob when appetizers are all meaty and delicious?
- Do not continue on to the "after-hours," the hour being 10PM. If you do, it is likely they will serve you champagne.
- Remember, champagne is evil. Do not continue to drink the champagne.
- Do remember how you got home. It was probably not on a magic toboggan sliding along rainbows. It was probably not before 11PM.
- Do treat each champagne drinking session as a learning experience. Reflect on why you chose to drink champagne for the next 14 hours in bed with your pounding head under the covers.
- Do not get out of bed only to attend a tasting of 300 sakes.
Camper's Book: Tonic Water AKA G&T WTF is now available for sale.