Alcademics

Who doesn't love the awesomeness that is SkyMall? It's a catalogue filled with absolutely nothing you need and everything you want that you don't know you want until you see it and know that you can't possibly go on living without it. It's so good they should call it AirCrack. Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time on planes lately and decided to make a thorough investigation of all the drinking accessories in the catalogue. I didn't do it for me, I did it for you, my fans.

What do you call a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine for adults? A Little Snowie. Just add bourbon and you can call the thing a Julep maker. That's great, but entirely useless unless you buy a portable ice cube maker to sit next to it.

You know what would be great to put on that sno-cone? Some sort of lemon vodka concoction. And the most efficient way to mix that up is using this fabulous "Old Fashioned Lemonade Stand" (aka lemondrop dispenser) that keeps your booze and juice mixed, and comes with a built-in citrus reamer on top!

For simpler tastes, forget the Little Snowie and buy yourself a Lil' Chill Shot machine to cool your shooters down to -2 degrees Fahrenheit. Oddly, the website has dropped the "Lil'" part of the name, but perhaps they didn't want it to be known as Baby's First JagerBomb.

Not classy enough? Understandable. Perhaps then you'd prefer this poolside faux-wood tiki table to set your drinks on. Indoors, my choice is the Sixtheenth-Century Italian Replica Globe Bar that opens to reveal glasses and booze inside what looks to be an antique globe- it's a great way to fool the maid who's always getting in to your liquor.

These accessories are all great, but they don't meet the entirely of my high-tech boozing needs. Here are some suggestions for new SkyMall products:

- Homemade tonic water machine: Just insert of chunk of rare Peruvian cinchona tree bark in one end, and in ten minutes out comes fresh bubbly tonic water. Bark sold separately.

- Rim-Tastic 9000: Say goodbye to clumpy rims and hello to the Rim-Tastic 9000! Place your margarita glass in the appliance and select your choice of flavored sugar or salt rims from the control panel, then watch Rim-Tastic go to work creating an even, perfect garnish every time!

- Ultra-Sonic Cocktail Shaker: When stirring takes too long and shaking bruises your gin, it's time to call in this new high-tech tippling technology. Using sound waves to integrate rather than agitate your ingredients, your cocktail won't just mix, it will form a molecular flavor bond that holds up to even the most watery of ice cubes. (Also works to clean dentures.)

Labels: funny, products